George,

Barak Obama does not know what a hitch ball cover is, and I am so happy! Come on, admit it, you are too. Even the Republicans.

The elections of 2008 are actually quite exciting now. Think about it: No More Corn Pone Presidents. Fellow citizens, unite! We are 80% urban/suburban and yet we live in a land where the minority view of the 20% who live in Bubbaland skew the body politic like a plague of Yellow Journalism. Why are our presidents and presidential candidates catering to the 20% anyway? It's such a crazy notion.

Was it the Abe-Lincoln-born-in-a-log-cabin myth that they promote as a badge of machismo? Hard roots, dustbowl, chopping wood, pulling stumps. Arrrgh! This is the 21st Century, dammit!! Act like it you bumpkin morons. Same to you, electorate. It's time for our candidates and we-the-people to cast off the demons of Corn Pones Past and move on (not-dot-org).

Look at the idiotic mythology that wins the presidency:

George W. Bush - Texas oilman and rancher wannabe. Yeeeehi! Get out the hat, the gun, the missles.

Bill Clinton - From a place called Hope, he'll take you down to the licklog and tell all yawl 'bout the "new covenant" of his candidacy.

Ronald Reagan - from Midwest roots, actor-turned rancher wannabe (cue the flannel shirt and chopping of wood). Gave rise to the term "Cowboy Diplomacy". Death Valley here we come.

Jimmy Carter - Southern peanut farmer from Plains, Georgia whose brother Billy "Bill-Bob" Carter will not only fix you up with a Billy Beer, he'll gas up the General Lee and show you how to piss outside. Oh Jimmah, why'd ya do it? Naval Academy grad, Masters in Nukes from Syracuse, submariner Captain for gawdsakes, and you play up the Peanut Farmer From Plains?

Lyndon Johnson - Hound-dog-ear-pullin'-Texas-rancher-steer-on-the-spit yeeeehiiii are you being channeled by George W? You were a degreed teacher and coach? Did you really have to dumb yourself down to get elected?

Fellow Americans, we have an opportunity of a lifetime here! Hillary, Giuliani, Obama, Romney. Black white Protestant Catholic Mormon who cares? They're urban. Hello, anyone out there? Read my lips: No More Corn Pone!

Hillary's from the Chicago burbs. Total urbanite. Giuliani. New Yawka and Italian. It just doesn't get any better than that. Talk about a different kind of macho. Romney? Ultra-prep from Bloomfield Hills area of Michigan. Father was Michigan Governor. Prep school education. Gazillionaire businessman who has resided in the posh Belmont burbs of Boston for 30 years. And then there's Obama: International and urban. Tres cool. Also from Chicaga, and he doesn't know what a hitch ball cover is. That proves to us he's one of the 80%, and 100% corn pone free!

Come on everybody, this race isn't about Republicans vs Democrats or Conservatives vs Liberals. We can finally free ourselves of the shackles of Corn Pone Politics and finally breathe the rarified air of the city. Culture, creativity, oppportunity, multicultural urban chic intelligentia-packed cities that make America great! Carl Sandburg didn't wax poetic over Hope, Midland, Plains or Bubbaland. There's not a song about Hope or Plains or Midland or...but there is New York New York and more Chicago songs than I can remember, and oh yeah, Gary Indiana, Allentown...you get it.

Please please please vote for the urban candidate of your choice and free us from Corn Pone before it's too late.

Clinton vs Thompson: The un-ning of our Presidents.

You heard it here first. "Un", no matter how it's spelled, spells victory.

Of the 43 Presidents of the United States, 42% (or 18 count) of them had names ending in the "un" sound, compared to only 7% of the general population. Blame Washington. George, that is.

Check it out: Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Jackson, Van Buren, Harrison, Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson, Cleveland, Harrison, Cleveland (again), Wilson, Truman, Johnson, Nixon, Reagan, and Clinton. Also, take into consideration that many vice-presidents running on a non-un prsidential ticket lent their names to the ticket as though it were a last name: Eisenhower/Nixon, Kennedy/Johnson etc. Un.

That's why the next president will either be Hillary Clinton or Fred Thompson. Given our penchant for Corn Pone, I'll wager Thompson. But if Hillary were smart, she'd choose Bill Richardson as her running mate: two uns are better than one.

Randolph Byrd (Electronic mail September 13, 2007)