As one of the Supremes (as in Court) famously said, "I may not be able to define pornography, but I know it when I see it." The same is true, I believe, of genuine courtesy and respect.

Having been brought up in the Shenandoah Valley by Northern parents, "Sir" and "Ma'am" were not required at home but learned by osmosis. We were also taught that one did not call a person by his or her first name unless invited to do so, and children did not call adults by their first names at all. Close family friends were called "Aunt" or "Uncle." Others were Mr. or Mrs.

Our three daughters, even the two now living in the Midwest, use courtesy titles less automatically than their Southern peers, but they still understand that real manners are not snobbish affectations but simply a way to show respect and courtesy to another and to ease social interactions. I am grateful for that every time another telemarketer or unctuous office clerk uses my first name while condescending to do me the favor of interrupting me or screwing up my credit card.

That being said, it is no more possible to legislate real courtesy and respect than to legislate morality. Or as my kids put it, "Some people just don't have any home trainin'."

Gail Nardi (electronic mail, March 24, 2000)