"The Declaration's Rebecca Cullers does have a humorous local version of the infamous 'Opie and Anthony Show' that listed 54 high-risk spots to have sex in New York. And the winner of the 10 best places at UVA is ... the Clemons private video rooms, where free video equipment lets students watch porn or watch themselves in action" (4better or worse, The HooK, September 12 - 18, 2002).

See below:

"For those of you who don’t read the "Odds and Ends" section of the newspaper, I call to your attention an interesting little item hailing from NewYork City. Apparently, two DJs named Opie and Anthony (from the "Opie and Anthony Show") were recently thrown off the radio after they aired a live play-by-play description of a northern Virginia couple having sex in St. Patrick’s Cathedral. This little tidbit was not an anomaly–in fact, it was just one report from an ongoing feature of their show in which couples are given a set of fifty-four high-risk locations that are supposedly ideal for indecent exposure.

Never one to waste a good idea, and well aware that most of the returning students (along with all of the first years) are just emerging from a situation in which their sexual activity is subject to their parents’ liberality and/or apathy, I have done some research in order to discover the best places to have sex at U.Va. However, just doing it in your dorm room (where thousands have come before you) isn’t particularly interesting. Making out on your roommate’s couch is just about as much fun as making out on your parents’, and it is likely to get you the same sort of disapproval: "Dude, not on my couch! That’s nasty." So, all the places that I have listed are public locations where the sweet fear of getting caught will impart an adrenaline rush that ought to compensate for the lack of love between you and your partner.

10. Memorial Gym

By far the easiest of all the spots on grounds to have sex in a public building. Mostly deserted, and filled with old stairwells that have been blocked from one or more exit, Mem Gym also doubles as the best place to commit a crime: the ancient dressing rooms look like something out of an ’80s horror film, complete with sound of gurgling pipes and fenced-off areas. Add points if you and your mate are fond of working out. Deduct points for its decidedly less than romantic atmosphere. Mem is about as safe as you get for sex in public. Though I only have rumor confirmation on people making it in Mem, I have sat for a full half an hour on the inner stairwell without a single person ever passing by. An excellent starting point for the timid couple.

9. Alderman Library

By far the most infamous of places to have sex, Alderman is yet another spot where many people have come before you. Yet, not quite so many as in a dorm room. Everyone knows that it’s easy to get locked for an entire night in Alderman–all you have to do is hide under a desk, assuming anyone would even look for you. Though it loses points for being so common, Alderman is decidedly more kinky than anything Mem Gym has to offer. Not only is it a great place to let your librarian fantasies run wild, but bookshelves and desks open up a variety of positional options that are unavailable on the standard futon. Add extra points for English or history majors. A fun place to copulate with little risk involved, Alderman should be your next stop on the love train.

8. The Roof of Gilmer

It may be rocky and breezy, but the view is unparalleled. Bring a blanket to compensate for the gravel and look out over all the twinkling lights of campus with your amor. Add points if you major in astronomy or astrophysics: the sky looks gorgeous at night from that vantage point. Deduct several points if you are afraid of heights. Ask around if you want to know how to make it up there in the first place. The rumor mill has all of the answers. It even whispered of a successful sexual adventure up there. Over a break is considerably safer for this outing, but go for the gusto during regular hours anyway. A place to make you feel alive.

7. The Steam Tunnels

Not every section of the steam tunnels is hot as hell. Some sections are quite cozy. So cozy that there are even people living down there from time to time. Having talked to a few of these vagrants, I can safely say that first-hand sources indicate that sex has been successfully completed within the steam tunnels. I have even had acquaintances return with tales of hard evidence found down there. "I can’t believe it, it’s so fucking hot down there! How could they possibly…" Bring a blanket. Avoid the hot pipes. Don’t forget that it’s technically trespassing, and don’t leave your condoms down there either, kids; it confuses the tourists. Add points if you’ve ever played "Vampire: the Masquerade" as a Nosferatu. Deduct points for the rats.

6. The Carl Smith Center

Though I don’t understand why, I recognize that the thought of having sex "in the middle of a football field" is highly fascinating to men. Right in the middle. Yep. One of the most dangerous locations to attempt this sort of thing, this location is not for the faint of heart. The Smith Center has a high tech alarm system. My sources revealed that it used to be possible to gain access through the steam tunnels system that starts under the Chemistry building, but that route is supposedly no longer open. Check it out at your own risk. The only other options are scaling the fence or somehow hiding out after a game. Both are risky and unpleasant, so you have to be really dedicated to pull this one off. Add points if you love sports. Subtract points if your mate hates them.

5. The Graveyard

Seem a little too freaky perhaps? I’ve heard more than a few stories from young people in their first year who were innocently taking a walk to the graveyard late at night when they heard the sounds of love coming over the wall. It’s one of those places, like churches, that are so weird and novel that they turn people on. At least, that’s how I justify it. Add extra points if you’re a Goth, a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or have played any White Wolf fantasy game. Deduct points if you are susceptible to chills. And extra bonus coolness points if you do it on or around Halloween. C’mon guys, don’t you want to win the weirdest sexual location contest for the rest of your lives?

4. Comm School courtyard

Lovely architecture encloses a small tree-filled square in the middle of the Comm School. This wonderful spot is romantic, inaccessible, and includes columns and flowering trees. Just sitting there at night, the flourescent night lights from the Comm School glowing around you, the stars twinkling high above, the sweet knowledge of physics reminding you that when one side of a window is lighter, the person on the light side can’t see into the dark, is enough to make even the most frigid man melt. Peaceful and secure, don’t rule this out as an option!

3. The Pavilion Gardens

I used to work in the historic pavilion gardens, and I got so sick of picking up used condoms and empty beer bottles that I almost quit. Of course, budget cutbacks got me before that could happen. Nonetheless, the pavilion gardens are absolutely lovely. What better than the inherent baseness and depravity of nature to bring out the wickedness in you? Garden X, the most used of all the gardens, looked exactly like the type of thing you’d see in Baroque paintings of Pan or Dionysus. Cherubs could be floating around those hedges and you’d think everything was as it should be. Accessible, daring, and utterly romantic, the pavilion gardens have almost everything going for them. And remember, don’t be a litterbug. Smokey doesn’t like it.

2. The Rotunda Gardens

These are the two itty-bitty gardens on either side of the Rotunda. Very pretty when the fountains are running, this site is higher on the charts than the pavilion gardens for two reasons. 1) It’s easier to get caught, and 2) You get to say you had sex at the Rotunda! A note to the nay-sayers: this feat has been accomplished and probably will be again. Add extra points if you choose a major in history or have ever played beer pong on the steps of the Rotunda.

And the one you’ve all been holding your breath for!

1. The Clemons Private Video Rooms

Tinted glass and a modicum of sound proofing aren’t the only things this location has to offer. Free video equipment allows you to watch your stimulation of choice, or even take a digital media class, check out the camera, hook it up on view feed, and watch yourself in action! Daring, inventive, horribly naughty, and absolutely irresistible. You know that’s the first thing that entered your mind when you went in there with someone else and turned off the lights. I know you made out, so why not take it one step farther? Alderman is nothing when compared to Clemons. With this my friends, you have reached the acme of everything U.Va. has to offer. Go forth and multiply!

Disclaimer: This is intended as humor. If you do decide to attempt to have sex in these amusing locations, please remember that it will count, just like streaking, as a sexual offense on your record, which will make it hard for you to teach public school. If you don’t plan on doing anything with your life, do this sort of thing and get caught, you are responsible for your own actions regardless of the existence of this humor article. I can only show you the way; you must walk the path yourself. " (Rebecca Cullers, The Declaration, September 5, 2002)