Svend Borrstrup, Denmark's Minister of External Affairs, announced today that Denmark has "exhausted all civilized remedies" in its ongoing dispute with Norway. "We are in the process of putting together a strong and extensive coalition, a coalition of the annoyed," the Minister said in his statement. "North Friesland and the Faroes have joined, and Scotland is a very likely possibility. We will act preemptively if we must to put things right."

"Recent actions by the United States prove that civilized nations may act in their own interests despite the opinions of mealy-mouthed debating societies."

Festering grievances in the region are many, although not widely known.

For one thing, the coalition seeks to assist the Laplanders in rising against the Norwegian government, in protest against their economic status as "third class citizens of the far north."

Laplanders wish to be known as "Sami" ("delightful small persons" in Lappish) .

Palun-Piettari Porsang, a Sami leader living in New York, says that with regime change they will no longer be "forced to live in desperate circumstances, staring at the south end of northbound reindeer, carving little bits of stone and wood into demeaning representations of ourselves -- and being forced to wear garish, itchy woollens with little bells on, for tourists to photograph. We look forward to coalition assistance in our cause."

The Norwegian government today denied Danish claims that it constitutes a "clear and present danger to the region and to civilized people everywhere."

"We will continue to exercise sovereignty as we see fit," said a statement from the Norwegian Prime Minister, taking a belligerent tone, "and we will not be bullied by a bunch of cheese-making pastry monkeys."

Privately, a member of the Danish "war cabinet" was overheard saying, "I hate these Norsky bastards. I'm sick of them boasting about how they spend so much more on this goody-goody humanitarian stuff than the rest of us. Tell that to the whales."

While agreeing that the Norwegians do not present a threat "right now" with the usual weapons of mass destruction, the coalition asserts that the export of gamelost and lytefysk, if extended from the present specialty markets to the general population constitute a "very real danger to the palates of normal folk throughout the world."

When asked if control of Norwegian North Sea oil was not part of the issue, a coalition spokeseperson responded, "No, of course not - we haven't even thought of that. And anyway, that oil is in the North Sea - it wouldn't be Norwegian oil at all, except for some foolish lines on a map somewhere - and obviously it should benefit all the peoples of the region. But don't quote me on this."

Sweden has maintained neutrality in the dispute, but has offered to provide ball bearings as required by either side. Norwegians have officially acknowledged the offer, but one senior government source expressed bewilderment. "War after war -- we never know what to do with all these ball bearings. It's like your crazy aunt who keeps bringing over fruit cake"

The United States Department of State today issued a statement on the situation. It reads in full, "Can't we all just get along?" (Dave Sagarin, April 25, 2003)