"Everyone I know is trying to quit smoking. Virginia Commonwealth University conducted a study on women and smoking at the prison several years ago and then put together a series of groups using the patch to help encourage and support any woman who wanted to stop smoking. I have no idea how effective the strategy has been, but I do know that the balance of smokers versus non-smokers is beginning to tip in my living unit. Soon there will be more non-smokers than smokers.

I quit smoking as a Christmas present to myself back in 1991. It was the most challenging goal I've ever accomplished and one of my most satisfying achievements. I only managed it because I told myself that no matter what happened, no matter how fat, cranky, desperate I became I would not reach for a cigarette. I never smoked again (except for two cigarettes that don't count), and I became very fat, cranky and desperate.

I had enjoyed smoking (Camels and Winstons and Black Russian Sobranies that I thought were cool). How could I write--be an artiste--without a fog of smoke wafting around me? How could I think deep creative thoughts without all the lovely rituals of pulling out a cigarette, lighting it, inhaling and certainly all the styles and techniques of exhaling? It was awful. I cried. I ate. I climbed the walls, watched TV, slept, but I did.not smoke.

I told myself that smoking was setting fire to money, that smoking was a horrible death. Yes, everyone dies, but not everyone dies a slow lingering painful cancerous death. I want to die of old age as a robust, feisty old bat, not a grey, gasping shadow. I told myself that no matter what the situation, smoking a cigarette would not make it better. I told myself I was a nonsmoker. I told myself that I had invested too much pain and suffering into quitting thus far to turn back, I told myself I only had to get through the next minute, the next ten, just to the end of the movie....

I ate a lot of candy. Five cavities latter (better than throat, mouth, tongue cancer), 50 lbs. later (it came off--mostly), two year later, I still have occasional intense cravings. Because I had become quite the butterball, I began to speed walk. For the next five years I walked about six miles four to six times a week. When I came to FCCW I lived, for the first couple of years, in a nonsmoking unit. And then I moved to the long-termer's wing (LTW)--a traditional smoking unit. Like others who moved with me from the pristine nonsmoking environment to the LTW, I was immediately and profoundly effected by the secondhand smoke. For about a week intense nausea and excruciating headaches overwhelmed me. The disgusting smell of ashtray woke me from sleep. And then I acclimated; I haven't craved a cigarette since.

I also try to encourage people to quite smoking--nothing like reformed smoker to lecture and bully others on the evils of cigarettes--but I also try to prepare people for the ordeal. I believe people fail at quitting smoking because they underestimate the power of addiction, of their own minds to trick them into a cigarette; they underestimate their willpower to smoke.

Everyone is different of course and there is always some exception; a person who just quits and never gives it another thought, who doesn't gain a pound and life is a breeze. But for me quitting was a full-time occupation. I had to give it my all. For the first several months I could not be trusted around cigarettes. I know how weak and pathetic I am. I can rationalize anything. I refused to allow myself the luxury of engaging in debated with myself over having a smoke. I knew I would feel like one, need one, die for one. But the answer was no. I did not hang out with people while they smoked. I was ruthless and vigilant because I had quit smoking before for a whole six months and one lousy cigarette in a moment of arrogance (I've quit smoking, I can handle a cigarette) reignited a roaring addiction. I smoked almost twice as much as before my failed attempt to quit. So I knew there could be no stolen puffs, no shortcuts. It was very simple: no more smoking.

The first couple of days are not the hardest. It's the weeks that follow when .your body and brain begin to panic that you might be serious about quitting. That is when the real pressure starts and it usually catches people off guard. Perhaps with a patch and a support group it's different or easier. One thing is certain: you must be clear in your own mind that you want to quit and even if you don't at first succeed, that you will never stop trying. Learn from your mistakes. Examine your pattern of thinking. Analyze the triggers and use the experience to make the next attempt more effective.

If I can do it, anybody can." (Elizabeth Haysom, Fluvanna Review, August 4, 2005)

Elizabeth Haysom is incarcerated at the Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women in Troy. Her essays are indexed at Glimpses from Inside.