"I want to work out. I do. I want to be like that woman on the Bowflex commercial who says,"I'm 50 and this is my Bowflex Body." At 18, she'd look great.

I want a Bowflex body. So I energetically read all those books and magazines on exercise, resistance training, weights, aerobics, pilates, tae-bo, yoga, (even facercise--yes I work out my face when I remember).

The other day I ran across the ultimate arm shaper/toner exercise I could do while sitting in my chair at work which promised I could make my arms beautiful for spaghetti straps. (I am particularly susceptible to exercise I can do sitting down.) The article called for 20 reps, three sets, three times a day. In a throwaway aside it mentioned I would be surprised at the quick results.

I had instant results. I could barely manage five reps and all but broke my elbow. I need to do exercises to be strong enough to do the exercises.

If I had a Bowflex, I whimper to myself, I wouldn't have the strength to bend it and if I did, I'd be crippled for life.

Nonetheless my mind tricks me every day that I am just a few exercises away from that flexible, fit, bone-dense body and that any second now, my jowls will melt away. I keep trying to try because my enthusiasm flashes out in about 10 seconds. I am so thwarted by my own lack of motivation that I decided to study the psychology of motivation and learning.

Why is it that some people are so highly motivated and focused in the accomplishment of their goals and then there are those like me who stagger in great. zigzags from one aborted attempt to the next? I was determined to discover my malfunction and fix my lack of consistent motivation.

Unfortunately like the definitive arm exercise, before I could take the class on motivation, I would have to take all these other classes. I wasn't that motivated. I just wanted answers. I didn't really want to learn anything. I just wanted to flip a switch and turn into an energizer bunny.

A week or two later I decided I would learn about motivation by talking to other people. "What motivates you." I asked. A woman said, "My children" which puzzled me because if her children are her motivation, why is she in prison? (Drugs). Innocently I than asked, "Does recovery motivate you?" Which prompted the woman to curse me out.

Motivation is primal. Survive. Stop pain. Feel good. Of course there are higher levels of motivation. Sacrifice for a long-term goal; sacrifice for the benefit of theirs. But it is not so easy, in every day life, to switch motivational levels. (A drug addict mother might risk her life to save her child from a burning house but not give up drugs for her child).

One of the geniuses behind the 12-step concept is that it very gently, very slowly leads the person through a process of transformation from being motivated to stop one's own suffering to a strong desire to help others stop suffering. The program also awakens us to the ways we delude ourselves about our motivations.

The bottom line is that when I say I want to work out, I really mean I want to look like I work out. Every single day I force myself to do something towards this end. I'm like an anti-addict; if I skip a day, I'll never do it again and dissolve into a flabby puddle of inflexible cellulite. Nor that my token every day gestures are high intensity or often sweaty (stretching slowly is important), I've actually nodded off in the middle of a routine. (Exercise can be so exhausting).

But I do feel inordinately proud of myself for doing something every day (eyelid pushups are a valid facercise). Now if I could just work out a way to become fluent in French and Spanish in my sleep, I'd really be on my way." (Elizabeth Haysom, Fluvanna Review, July 7, 2005)

Elizabeth Haysom is presently incarcerated at the Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women in Troy, Virginia. This column is one of a series, published under the general heading 'Glimpses from Inside.'